作左一篇英文作文for a-level

there are some mistakes in yr passage, let me discuss two of them with u
1.'Personally, I think'
after personally, don't add I think, because 'personally' already has the idea of 'I think'. Thus u can only use either one each time.
2.after 'need not', u should use b-inf., don't add 'to'.

Besides, there are some sentences which are not easy for me to understand.
However, it's great to see some good vocabularies in yr writing. e.g.,cumbersome

I am a F6 student too =]